Othersphere Page 23

  Lazar’s direct brown eyes were moving back and forth between me and Caleb, looking very serious. He reached out and shook Caleb’s hand again and said, equally seriously, “That’s the least I could do.”

  Caleb shook his hand back, and I could see him regaining control, recalling that Lazar was my boyfriend, that he and I, until so very recently, had been estranged. “What’s the situation in the parking lot?”

  “So far, everyone’s okay. Let’s get back there,” Amaris said, leading the way back around the pile of logs. “But London and the shifters seemed to have everything under control.”

  “She’ll be pack leader next,” Caleb said.

  “You know it.” Amaris smiled proudly.

  “I think the council leaders are trying to reconvene in the parking lot, once we’re sure there’s no further threat,” Lazar said. He looked down at me. “You’re sure there’s no one else in the woods back there?”

  I nodded in my awkward tiger way. I’d detected nothing but the very empty car back there.

  The front porch lights were still glowing on the lodge and they showed the giant empty hole where the roof of the conference room had been. The windows and their shutters were gone. The parking lot was a tangle of fur, the sky still teeming with raptors. Those experienced with Tribunal attacks had already dealt with the bodies, for they were nowhere to be seen.

  I spotted Morfael, tall and skeletal among the sinuous animal bodies, saying something to a grizzly bear. The lynx-shifter of the council, now back in human form and sporting another flannel shirt, was walking up to them as the hawk-shifter spiraled down. Clumps of people were shifting near their cars or hunting for keys and clothing in the wreckage of the conference room.

  “I’ll tell Morfael what happened with Orgoli,” Caleb said, breaking off from us. “Dez, you’re going to shift before you go, right?”

  He knew what I intended to do, of course. Caleb always seemed to know without my telling him. Lazar looked down, his jaw clenched, as if he also understood.

  “Go?” Amaris asked. “Go where?”

  Caleb hesitated, as if realizing he might’ve said too much. “I’ll let Dez explain,” he said and jogged off toward Morfael.

  “Amaris, would you mind finding London or . . . something, for a minute?” Lazar asked, his voice taut. “I need to talk to Dez.”

  “Sure.” Amaris kept her voice neutral, but her eyes were wide and a bit worried.

  I was worried, too. A knot in my chest was tightening. Amaris trotted off toward the wolf pack circling around London, and Lazar and I walked over to our SUV, not talking. Did Lazar want to wait to yell at me when I was in human form? It had to be something bad, given the way his eyes wouldn’t quite meet mine. He’d just saved Caleb’s life. I couldn’t tell him now that I still loved his brother. I owed Lazar too much to hurt him.

  I shifted and got into my clothes in the back of the SUV while Lazar cleaned his rifle and reloaded. If Orgoli’s plan was to get to Livermore and the laser as soon as possible, and to bring through his troops tonight, there was no point in packing up the weapons.

  I climbed from the back of the SUV up to the front. He was seated in the passenger seat, staring out the windshield at all the parking lot activity. I thumped down into the driver’s seat.

  “I know you’re going back to Othersphere,” Lazar said calmly, “to get the tiger-shifters.”

  I nodded, relieved that he understood that at least. “If they’re still alive, they deserve a chance to come back home.”

  “And we could probably use them at Livermore.” The faint moonlight coming through the windshield outlined his strong nose and square jaw in profile. The tawny brown of his irises glittered faintly. “If Orgoli brings troops through, it’s going to be a hell of a fight.”

  “If they’re willing to fight with us, it could help a lot,” I said, wishing I could read his expression or his voice better. This didn’t sound like he was mad at me, or as if he’d noticed something between me and Caleb.

  “I’m sorry to have to tell you this before you go.” He finally turned to look at me. All I saw there was determination, an iron will clamped down to get him through whatever he was about to say. “But I don’t think it can wait.”

  “You can tell me anything,” I said. “Any time you want.”

  His gaze faltered, eyelids veiling his eyes for a moment, as if what I’d said meant something to him, meant a lot.

  “We can’t see each other anymore,” he said. His voice was nothing but resolute. “I need to end it.”

  Someone had scooped out my insides and left nothing but a collapsing space. “But . . .” I started to say. The word “why” was coming next, but I didn’t seem to be able to say it.

  “It’s been coming ever since we went to Othersphere,” he said. “I’m too conventional.”

  “Conventional?” That didn’t make sense. What was he trying to say? Growing up in a cult run by your own crazy father wasn’t exactly normal.

  He shook his head a little, as if angry with himself. “That’s not the right word. It’s like when I told you that I want Amaris and London to be happy, but still there’s a part of me that struggles with their relationship. That part of me has trouble with you because . . . you’re not exactly what I thought you were at first. In Othersphere, you looked so different. And I learned you’re part shadow walker, which is something up until a day or so ago I thought was a creature out of old wives’ tales.”

  “I’m too . . . weird for you?” I asked. What he was saying didn’t hurt because I couldn’t believe it. “You had no problem with me being a tiger, but getting taller and thinner when I’m in Othersphere is a problem?”

  “It’s not how you look,” he said, then immediately regretted it. “And it’s not how you are, either. It’s my problem. My narrowness.”

  “You’re not narrow,” I said. “You’re the most willing to grow person I’ve ever met. You’re the most considerate guy ever. You’re willing to think about other people’s feelings all the time because of everything you’ve gone through.”

  “But it’s a constant struggle!” It came out vehement, almost angry. He shook his head at himself again. “Don’t you see? I know some of my feelings are wrong, and I don’t act on them. I never would. I try to be better, always, because I couldn’t live with myself if I ended up like my father. But it’s not natural or easy for me, the way it is for you and for—” He hesitated. “For a lot of people.”

  “Oh.” I still didn’t quite understand. “So us being together. It’s hard work for you.”

  “It’s been the best time of my life,” he said quietly. He cleared his throat and said more firmly, “When I saw you in Othersphere, looking like that creature, your biological mother, I knew in here”—he pointed to his head—“that it was still you. Still Dez, no matter what name she called you. But in here”—he pointed to his heart—“it felt like you had become a demon, an alien thing I’ve been taught my whole life to hate, to objure, to kill.”

  “Some part of me is that creature,” I said. “So your heart wasn’t completely wrong. I’m Dez, but I’m something else, too.”

  “And I can’t live with it,” he said. “The constant battle inside my head where you’re concerned. You deserve better.”

  “There isn’t anyone better,” I said. I meant it. I didn’t want him thinking he was a bad man for having this struggle. “It’s the fact that you win that battle every single time—that makes you the best man I know.”

  He took a deep breath. “There’s more.” His eyes flicked back and forth between mine as he girded himself for what he was about to say. “I’ve realized that I was drawn to you because you were, you are, the person who inspired me to change. I wanted to be better, to be worthy of you. But . . .” He looked away, out the windshield. The silence told me what he could not.

  “But that’s not the same thing as love,” I said flatly.

  He exhaled a breath as if he’d been holding it for hours.
“Exactly.” He stared at the snow, which had begun to gently fall on the hood of the car. “I’m sorry.”

  I’d been afraid that Lazar loved me more than I loved him, that I would hurt him too much if I broke up with him because I loved his brother. Turned out he could still hurt me.

  I stared at his handsome profile, so like his brother’s but creased now with those premature lines around his eyes and between his brows. His life had been so hard. He’d endured abuse and become what he hated most. But he’d fought his way back and become so good. The conflict was there, written on his striking face. And it only made him more beautiful.

  It would be a lifelong struggle, and he deserved to have all the help he needed to win it.

  But he didn’t want or need my help, not anymore. Or at least that’s what he was saying. Through my hurt, I saw that he was masking his own pain. This was incredibly hard for him. Why was he doing it then?

  Why wasn’t he meeting my eyes?

  “There’s something else,” I said, surprising myself by saying it. “What is it?”

  “God help me, isn’t that enough?” The anger in his voice was savage. He reached for the door handle blindly and was out of the car, moving across the new snow of the parking lot, his silver rifle still in his hand.

  CHAPTER 15

  I don’t know how long I sat in the car. It couldn’t have been very long, but it felt like hours. The outside cold was numbing my toes, ears, and the skin across my cheekbones as I sat there and stared out at the shifters conferring with Morfael and Caleb.

  I saw Amaris and London, now back in her human form wearing borrowed clothes, kiss as the snow fell on their heads. I saw Arnaldo grab new clothes for his brothers out of the back of the SUV and wave at me, smiling. I saw him hug them and wrap their scarves just a bit more snugly around their necks.

  I saw November, still in rat form, run up to Lazar, who stood alone on the edge of the parking lot, and shift into her petite human form. There, naked right in front of him, she cocked her head to one side, and asked what was probably an impertinent question.

  And because he was “conventional,” as he called it, and kind, Lazar took off his heavy jacket and wrapped it around her as she danced from one freezing cold foot to another. He shook his head at her as she said something, but she threw her arms around his neck and practically forced him to pick her up in his arms, so that she wouldn’t be barefoot in the snow.

  He walked her back to a truck nearby, probably the one she’d come in with her family or Siku’s parents, and politely turned his back as she threw off his coat to get dressed. She playfully walked around in front of him wearing only a T-shirt and jeans and, still talking, she jerked the bottom edge of her T-shirt up and flashed him. She wasn’t wearing a bra.

  He laughed. I saw his teeth flash. His head bowed as he shook it in mock disapproval at her. I couldn’t help laughing a little, too. It was so like November, and so over the top.

  Maybe he would be okay.

  Maybe I would, too. Lazar had saved me from having to make a difficult decision. When I’d thought Caleb was going to die, I’d realized that he was the one for me. But I couldn’t have stomached the thought of abandoning Lazar for his own brother. Now I didn’t have to worry about that.

  I leaned over to my backpack and got out the Shadow Blade, strapping its sheath around my waist. I got out of the SUV, slamming the door, and froze, staring at Lazar as he talked to November. He was refusing to pick her up in his arms again and pointed at her now boot-clad feet in protest.

  Was that why he’d broken up with me? Had Lazar seen that it was inevitable and deliberately saved me the trouble?

  I walked hastily over to the group of shifters near Caleb and Morfael, feeling as if I was going to jump out of my skin. I needed to do something, to act instead of being acted upon. I needed to get out of my own head and over to Othersphere so I could free the tiger-shifters. They’d been there too long already.

  First, I needed to know how to get myself there, and second, I should find out what everyone had planned while I was gone.

  “What’s wrong?” Caleb said in his non-whisper quiet tone as I moved to his side.

  “Later,” I said. “What’s going on here?”

  As the council leaders continued to consult with Morfael and their constituents, Caleb quickly explained that they were coming to a consensus to send their best fighters now to Livermore. Arnaldo had called in a bomb threat anonymously in the hopes that the humdrums would beef up their security. But Morfael had told them that Orgoli was capable of walking through the veil to arrive deep inside the facility. If he could gain control of the laser for long enough, he’d open a permanent window through the veil within the NIF itself and bring his troops in there, a window so permanent you didn’t need a special bit of rope to get through it.

  “The rats think they can infiltrate the NIF,” Caleb continued. “And probably then sneak more shifters inside. If they can track down Orgoli and stop him before he gets control of the laser that would be best for all. Worse comes to worst, they can throw a fire alarm switch or alert the humdrums of an intruder.”

  “Worse comes to worst,” I said, “Orgoli’s there right this minute, and we’re too late.”

  He nodded. “We’ve got to hope it will take him some time to convert the laser to his purpose.”

  The shifters were breaking off, heading for their cars. Jonata, the lynx-shifter, winked at me, smiling, and headed toward a truck with a pride of cat-shifters around her.

  Morfael was leaning heavily on his staff, lips pursed as he stared out over the parking lot.

  “So,” I said, hating to interrupt what appeared to be deep thought. Although knowing Morfael, it could just as easily be an open-eyed nap. “Can you tell me how to get through the veil?”

  Morfael lifted his head abruptly, as if coming awake. He slung his moonstone eyes at me like an accusation. “You know how.”

  “What?!” I threw up my hands. He could be so frustrating. “I’ve never done it before.”

  “What have you done many times that involves bringing something through the veil?” Morfael said, his voice cutting, his demeanor screaming out “must I do everything?”

  It couldn’t be that simple. “Shift?” I said. “But that’s not the same thing as walking through the veil in my human form.”

  “Not exactly the same, no.” Morfael tapped the tip of his carved staff against my collarbone. “But you’ve got everything you need right here. Now, go!” He pointed off into the woods, where Orgoli had disappeared. “I’ve got enough to worry about here.”

  I watched, astounded, as he clomped off toward our SUV, where I could see Amaris and London had gathered with Arnaldo and his brothers. November was tugging Lazar there now.

  “Holy crap,” I said. “You’d think I asked him to cut up my food.”

  “I think he’s worried,” Caleb said, taking a few steps toward the woods, looking back at me to make sure I’d follow. “In my coat, I’ve got the twine to help you get the tiger-shifters through. Come on. You should probably cross over right where Orgoli did, I guess.”

  “I guess,” I said, reluctantly keeping up with him. I cast another glance at Morfael. My other friends near the SUV all waved at us, all except Morfael and Lazar.

  Caleb waved back, calling out, “I’ll be right back.” To me, he said, “Just want to be sure you get through okay.”

  “Thanks.” Unexpectedly, I felt shy now that we were alone. I tried to focus on what Morfael had said. My connection to Othersphere was deep inside of me. Somehow that was what I needed to get there physically across the veil. Could I somehow pull that window out of my body and manifest it in the air?

  “What’s wrong with Lazar?” Caleb asked.

  I looked up at him, startled. “Wrong?”

  “He didn’t wave. And something’s been off with him since we got back from Othersphere.”

  I debated for a long second about what to say. Caleb would learn it one way
or another. “He broke up with me,” I said. “Just now.”

  Caleb stopped walking, his face blank with astonishment. “He broke up with you?”

  He cast a look back at Lazar, and then started walking again automatically, frowning and staring down at the ground.

  “Yeah.” I kept pace with him, not wanting to say anything more.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “I just thought he—” He broke off abruptly. “Sorry. It’s none of my business.”

  “I was surprised, too,” I said.

  We’d reached the edge of the parking lot and entered the woods, crunching without fear this time over the fresh snow.

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  “It’s for the best.” I looked down at my worn sneakers, one of my last whole pairs. I’d need to head to the thrift shop to get more clothes for shifting soon.

  “Maybe you shouldn’t go to Othersphere alone at a time like this,” he said, his black eyes sliding over to me cautiously. I opened my mouth to contradict him, but he shook his head. “I take it back. This is the perfect time for you to go to Othersphere alone.”

  “Exactly!” I said. How well he knew me. How perfectly our strides matched as we walked side by side. I wanted to take his arm, to press up against his side as we walked. But how weird would that be, minutes after breaking up with his brother? “I can’t wait to get over there and do something useful.”

  “Action girl.” A smile touched his eyes. “Not a passive-aggressive bone in your body.”

  I knew then what I had to do. It was breaking a confidence, but I was about to head into Othersphere and perhaps never come back. Lazar would never tell Caleb on his own, and if I didn’t do it now, Caleb might never know.